Home is Where the Harry Says: Part 2

So it's the weekend of the Big One: Hurricane Apocalpyse - the New York Armageddon 2011, and we're on the subway back from getting rejected at the one good apartment in the city, and Jeff is like "What non-perishables should I stock up on? How much water should I store?"

And I'm like, "I have this one half of a Vitamin Water left in my fridge. I figure that's enough."

But the British anchor on CNN at the pizza place while we're having a slice that night is like, "OH MY GOD IT'S AWFUL OUT THERE. AUDREY IN MANHATTAN, ARE YOU BEING EVACUATED RIGHT NOW?"

And the reporter, against a light drizzle is like, "Er.. yeah, I mean, they told us to move further in... in Manhattan... Cause we were at the shore."

"NEW YORKERS," the anchors said, looking intensely at the camera, "GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE!"

I'm calmly calling landlord listings online trying to set up some more viewings when Old Man Bloomberg goes ahead and shuts down the entire public transportation system for the weekend. My next call is to a broker named Harry, with a New York accent and voice that make me picture a violent version of Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

"THIS IS HARRY, WHO THE HELL IS THIS"

"This is Jake, um, I was calling about the apartment -"

"HOW THE HELL YOU PLAN ON GETTING HERE, JAKE"

"The train? I guess"

"YEAH IF WE GOT ANY MOTHERFUCKIN TRAINS, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU COME TOMORROW IF THERE'S ANY TRAINS AND YOU CALL UP YOUR MAYOR, TELL HIM HE'S A PIECE OF SHIT"

"Um... I can probably tell, like a comptroller or something. I don't know if I can reach the Mayor."

"HAHA I LIKE YOU JAKE. BE THERE 8:00, OR I'll KILL YOU."

Click.

When we showed up, early in the morning before the train shut-down on Saturday, he was standing in the rain, about 400 pounds with 6 teeth and a gold chain the size of a chimpanzee. It takes him about 2 hours to get up the stairs to show us the apartment.

As we're filling out applications in the back of his car, Harry says, "SO HERE'S THE DEAL. I'VE BEEN IN JAIL, MANNY THE OWNER, HE'S BEEN IN JAIL, WE'VE BEEN IN JAIL TOGETHER. BEEN PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T WANT TO PAY RENT, WE THREW HIS SHIT OUT THE WINDOW, WE THREW HIM OUT THE WINDOW. YOU'RE LATE ONE TIME, WE LOOK PAST THAT. YOU'RE LATE AGAIN, WE'LL FUCK YOU UP. IF YOU'RE LATE A LOT WE'RE GONNA KILL YOU. WE'RE GONNA KILL YOU, YOU'RE GONNA DIE. DON'T FORGET AREA CODE ON THE CONTACT NUMBER THERE ON THAT LINE, A LOT OF PEOPLE FORGET THAT."

Now this is the New York I've dreamt about.